thought#23

every thing is random and meaningless in itself.
nothing is profound or life changing.
nothing ever changes and never will.
since the time we are born our genetic makeup provides us with set of abilities that we are good at or as we notice in our growing years, 'natural' at. this differentiates the way in which we start interacting with our surroundings. it kind of gives us a uniqueness, which in itself is quite random if we look at the possible genetic makeups we could have had, had any other blasted sperm won the race. our abilities, feelings and desires are further randomized by parameters such as social upbringing, environment around us when we grow up, and a series of conclusions drawn upon scattered events which wire our neuroses on as we grow up. these events provide us with experiences that shape our understanding of the world and make our basic nature as we grow up.
what changes us, what makes who we are is well, not god, not our parents, not us, it is just random chance. the simultaneity of a few happenings which affect the way in which an inexperienced young mind processes perception of reality. it is this process of perception of reality that changes it, and it does not change it at just one instance, it changes it for every possible future 'experience'. the ripples of these conclusions never die down and a cumulation of these conclusions change us, make us who we are.

"Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen."
-albert einstein

thought#22

so u probably haven't read about my friend whom i didn't call on his birthday, and made wild rationalizations to support my idea- funny thing, he and i chatted for 2 hours today. and here i was thinking that we would never talk again. ever. i kind of found that comforting. but discussions on these peculiarities of mine could be done later.
what's funny is the series of random events that let to this little incident. i had 'accidentally' had checked the 'remember password' checkbox in my gtalk recently, and even though i unchecked it a million times, it still kept logging me on on startup. so while i was sitting unaware of my online status(coz i log out as soon as possible, unless i have to talk to someone available about something important) he logged in had a pleasant chat with who he thinks is his old friend. does he know how different a person i now have become, how much i have changed? he hasn't changed a bit.he still shared those inside jokes i had long forgotten, he remembered all those quirks and eccentricities i used to have, reminded me of so much long gone. in short unexpectedly aake life me hulchul macha k chala gaya.
i don't know why he still clings on to us being friends. most of my other 'friends' have given up on calling me. how can he still remember every detail of that guy i used to be 4 years ago. how is it that he hasn't changed at all?
why is it that we can't at once end things like relationships in single go? why is there always some baggage left behind? i was so sure that after what i did, he and i would never talk again. but we did. which is stupid because this could be our last conversation. i wanted our last conversation to be something emphatic- like my not calling on his b'day. yup, sometimes even not calling is a conversation. it is classy, stylish, unlike chatting up the past for 2 hours. this just ended me with him extracting a promise that i would send him my photo(maine tujhe kabse nahi dekha photo daal na, orkut join kar na,etc. etc.), which i know i never will. and that is just a hanging in the air kind of thing.
can't things just end forever and nothing come back to remind u of all the baggage u carry? i wish they did. but the universe just isn't perfect.

thought#21

i don't get what i deserve. i don't deserve what i get.

thought#20

in this world you have to deceive yourselves to conceive yourselves.

thought#19

ever had this feeling of knowing what the right thing to do is, but not knowing, how you should do it? that you suddenly feel so gutless and powerless and helpless that the best you can do is stay away and pretend that you don't care? you want to make the right decision but simply can't? that you actually are scared of things being normal again? that no matter how much you know it is going to hurt later on you just want the worst to happen because you are so accustomed to it. at those times you should do what you know deep down is the right thing to do. because no matter you stall and try to buy time, your final decision would still be the same, but it would be too late by then.

#18

Forcing the way out, rising from the graves
angry scream and shout, thundering in the caves
we are god's unwanted children
Cursing at the sun,wanting to explode
on and on we run, on this endless road
we are god's unwanted children
Subdued and stoned, fire burning through
never have we moaned, given in to You
we are god's unwanted children
Nothing to fear, nothing to lose
our choices are clear, and pain we choose
we are god's unwanted children
Lost in this nothingness, do we seek out?
or relishing the darkness, at light we shout?
we are god's unwanted children
Screwing with our lives, swerving all ties
punctured with knives, blood red are the skies
we are god's unwanted children
Laughing at the slaves, truth they never knew
their path He paves, they stand in the queue
we are god's unwanted children
Broken and staind, carrying the cross
times that it rained, drenched in what was
we are god's unwanted children
Pain that doesn't go, bleeding heart within
time goes slow, at us He does grin
we are god's unwanted children
Wide awake asleep, souls ever haunted
knowledge in us deep, children we are unwanted
we are god's unwanted children

thought#17

there is no truth, or beauty, or love. the only thing that is real is pain. nothing can make you feel more alive than pain.

#16

Living in the past
darkness that i cast
around me
Unbound me
Make me see the light
Let your wings ignite
I will hold on to them
and reach my jerusalem
tearing the sky in their burning
like the rage twisting and turning
inside me
Hide me
from this hellish pain
the things that still remain
eating me inside
That man who died
and left me behind
was me
The threads that bind
are me

Burn them
I await my jerusalem

gravity

gravity....
is working against me
and gravity....
wants to bring me down
oh i'll never know
what makes this man
with all the love
that his heart can stand
dream of ways to throw it all away

-john mayer

thought#14

so, today is my best friend's birthday. we don't actually talk much anymore. at one point in my life, there was no separating us. he was the only person who could tell what, precisely was going on in my my mind at anytime. kind of sounds corny and clinched, but i would have given my life for him. and so would he have for me. he even almost did it once sitting behind me on the bicycle ride from hell. later recalling that incident, he said "my whole life flashed before my eyes". but that's another story. yet, here i am wondering if i should call him or not. we talk to each other only on our b'days now. should i carry on this stupid ritual year after year, believing we still are friends when we hardly care? i see no point in it.
it's funny how the best of friends split over trifles. me and my friend aren't 'buddies' anymore because he said 7 words that i didn't want to hear. this coming from the guy who always said and did the wrong things and was so readily forgiven. well times change, people change and relationships are meant to be broken. anyways happy b'day, K.

thought#13

why do i always have to pretend that i don't care about things i care so much about? why don't i ever have the guts to do the right thing? i am such a coward i can't even accept that something or someone actually means something to me. because accepting that would mean that it would hurt when that person or thing goes away. and i have lost so many things and so many people that meant something to me that i simply can't...... i am just so afraid of letting anyone in. oh who am i kidding? the only truth is that these are ridiculous rationalizations. i am just a screwed up asshole who can't get his priorities right.