gravity

gravity....
is working against me
and gravity....
wants to bring me down
oh i'll never know
what makes this man
with all the love
that his heart can stand
dream of ways to throw it all away

-john mayer

thought#14

so, today is my best friend's birthday. we don't actually talk much anymore. at one point in my life, there was no separating us. he was the only person who could tell what, precisely was going on in my my mind at anytime. kind of sounds corny and clinched, but i would have given my life for him. and so would he have for me. he even almost did it once sitting behind me on the bicycle ride from hell. later recalling that incident, he said "my whole life flashed before my eyes". but that's another story. yet, here i am wondering if i should call him or not. we talk to each other only on our b'days now. should i carry on this stupid ritual year after year, believing we still are friends when we hardly care? i see no point in it.
it's funny how the best of friends split over trifles. me and my friend aren't 'buddies' anymore because he said 7 words that i didn't want to hear. this coming from the guy who always said and did the wrong things and was so readily forgiven. well times change, people change and relationships are meant to be broken. anyways happy b'day, K.

thought#13

why do i always have to pretend that i don't care about things i care so much about? why don't i ever have the guts to do the right thing? i am such a coward i can't even accept that something or someone actually means something to me. because accepting that would mean that it would hurt when that person or thing goes away. and i have lost so many things and so many people that meant something to me that i simply can't...... i am just so afraid of letting anyone in. oh who am i kidding? the only truth is that these are ridiculous rationalizations. i am just a screwed up asshole who can't get his priorities right.

thought#12

'i like studying faces in the parking lot because it doesn't remind me of anything'
doesn't remind me is one of the best songs of chris cornell. the lyrics are simple and beautiful. what he actually tries to tell is that those little things remind him of a lot, there are things that remind him of things and of people he wants to forget. they remind him of, in his own words,
"things that i've loved, the things that i've lost,
things i've held sacred, that i've dropped"
just acknowledging the fact that he ever had something worth losing is so painful, he finds solace in his denial. but no matter how hard he tries, he still can't let go. he keeps doing stuff that 'doesn't remind him of anything'. just try to understand the deeper meanings of these lines-

The things that I've loved the things that I've lost
The things I've held sacred that I've dropped
I won't lie no more you can bet
I don't want to learn what I'll need to forget

Bend and shape me

I love the way you are
Slow and sweetly

Like never before
Calm and sleeping
We won't stir up the past
So discretely
We won't look back

thought#11

why do we idolize moviestars, sportstars, and celebrities? and why do we go to any lengths to defend them in heated arguments, appreciate their slightest gestures, find class and style in their smallest movements, go around dishing amazing facts about them, try to know the minutest details of their life, well practically worship them? it probably is our subconscious acceptance of the fact that they have, in a particular field, achieved a level which we can only dream of. i repeat.our fanaticism isn't due to the fact that they are good, it is due to the fact that we can never be that good. it is our way of expressing that we would always be ordinary. that's the reason people like paris hilton have a following. it's just because she is not ordinary, well at least socially and financially if not in skills. and perhaps the band t-shirts hanging in my almirah suggest that a part of me accepts that i am not extraordinary.
what makes celebrities, anyway? they are in a way doing something at which they are good, that essentially is due to their genetic makeup, and are where they are right now is a result of circumstances and events following a complex pattern in the right way leading up to current state of affairs. the result is of course, what we term as their genius. true, they are hardworking, but even that is in their genetic makeup .they are then, in terms of statistics, 'one in a million' due to fact that their success is a result of combination of various independent factors, all of them interfering with each other in such a way that they make them what they are. we too are what these factors and circumstances make us, albeit not as entertaining or interesting as our idols. they are good at something which looks good and feels good.

that's why fields medal winners aren't celebrities. what they are good at isn't appealing to the masses. the sad thing is, a man's credibility comes from his awards and medals.